At the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on or why this was happening but I was pretty sure I was going mad.
I searched every religion for the answer to the ultimate question: “why”; I spoke to priests, pastors and leaders and came up with nothing.
None of them gave me what I needed and I was so lost.
In hindsight I realise that I was being fractured so that all the aspects of myself that were out of balance were coming up to be healed. Up until that point I was a sarcastic, aggressive, confrontational person with very low self-esteem and I thought I was always right.
From 2001 until 2014 I did a lot of work on myself. I went within and spent the majority of the time trying to piece myself back together. At the time there was no-one else doing what I was doing but I now know I was doing what you’d call Shadow work or Inner-Child Healing.
Then between 2010 and 2016 I had another dark night of the soul where my whole life completely collapsed both internally and externally. Becoming a mother was one of the most soul-expanding experiences I’ve ever had and I’m certain that if it wasn’t for becoming a parent I wouldn’t have expanded quite drastically or quickly.
There’s nothing quite like a little person looking back at you without all the crap you’ve got going on and thinking: I’m responsible for your emotional and mental wellbeing. Wow.
The universe / life / God / Divine Mother… whatever you want to call it - wants you to heal, be whole and live with an unbroken heart. No question.
So if she sees that you need healing, she will do whatever is necessary to create change and break unhealthy patterns to create new ones.
It can feel unsurmountable as facing a horned part man, part beast that lives in a dark maze inside of us. But our soul wants freedom and liberation from pain.
Here’s the secret: Being broken isn’t a failure, or something we should avoid; It’s actually the whole point.
Embrace these moments of pain and change because what comes out the other side is something even more beautiful and whole than when you started this journey. Don’t forget to reach out and get yourself support and do whatever you need to during this intense time.
Let the deep love that’s inside of you grow, attract people who see the light inside of you and shine brightly.
Remember it’s only the ego that breaks - the heart only ever expands.
I’d love to hear whether motherhood has changed you too…
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