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My War With My Face

12/6/2016

1 Comment

 
I started getting spots at around the normal age of other teenagers - about 13. From what I can remember they didn't start off too badly, just a few pimples here and there.
 
After a while they got more and more, and then they started to get bigger and turn into acne.
 
I tried all sorts of things to cure my acne.
  • The pill: My parents took me to see doctor on numerous occasions who, at 15, put me on the pill to control my hormones;
  • Homeopathic remedies;
  • Steroid creams;
  • Antibiotic creams;
  • Gels;
  • UV face lamp (which made my face itch and come out in big lumps everywhere).
Picture
​ I then started to get it on my back, shoulders and chest. Then the acne developed further into cystic acne - which on the most severe days left me wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out.

​At the time no one made the connection between my diet and acne.
 
Most days I would turn as many mirrors in my house around the other way so I couldn't look at myself. My self esteem plummeted. And at about the same time I started getting bullied. They would call me pizza - face. I felt ugly. Worse than ugly, I felt like Quasimodo. I didn't understand why the others had perfect skin and I was covered in acne. 
Picture
​For any person this is hard to deal with but as a teenager trying to understand my place in the world, in society and within my immediate environment it was very damaging.  I think it's one of life's greatest ironies for a teenager to have spots or acne and also braces (which I had too) and so much self-discomfort.
 
But the cystic acne was bad. It would flare up which at the time I thought was for no apparent reason. With each flare up I would get lumps on my jaw or cheeks mostly that were filled with puss. Even now just writing the word puss makes me cringe. It takes me back to that 15-year-old self-hating-body-hating girl who would have sold her soul to now have such visible signs of repulsion on her face.
 
It affected my self esteem so fundamentally that I absolutely and without question thought I was wholly unattractive. Ugly.
 
I had bouts of flare ups happen throughout my twenties and thirties too.
The acne has left me with a lot of scarring. And over the last twenty years I've tried all sorts of dermatological procedures to try and reduce the amount and the depths of them. But I've accepted that they're part of me now and unless I want to have a full face chemical peel then I might as well get on with the business of loving myself!
 
 
What did work
 
I thought I was a lost case. I thought I was going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life with no solution.
 
And then a few years ago I started reading more about the direct impact of dairy consumption (which puts puss in the body) and the affect sugar has on acne that I started to experiment with cutting them out.
 
I was breastfeeding my son at the time and found out he was intolerant to dairy. So I cut it from my diet. Once I was no longer eating any, his eczema cleared up within a few weeks, and weirdly so did my skin!
 
Last year I cut out refined sugar from my diet too and my skin is now the best it had ever looked - especially with all the green smoothies I drink! I would get comments about how healthy I looked and how my skin glowed!
 
 
But…
 
A week ago I ate something and didn't check the ingredients on the back of the packet first, something I'm now hard wired to do. I noticed it had condensed milk in it. My heart sank. I knew my options were to either go and try vomit up the food (not an option) or live with the consequences.
So fast forward 3 days and I have a cyst on my face. And for a moment I am 15 again. I am scared of the name calling, the feelings of being ugly and being rejected. 
But I breathe. I realise that I can either stay in the moment of self-hate and self-disgust or I can do what I've been learning to create in my life. Self- love.
 
Wooooo! What a change! In that moment I am still happy. In that moment I love my face. In that moment I accept that this cyst on my face does not define me and it will go and next time I will be more careful about what I eat.

​In that moment I wrap my arms around that 15-year-old girl inside me who is crying her heart out. I tell her that she's beautiful. I tell her that it's ok. I tell her that it'll be ok. I tell her that I love her. 

Picture
​In that moment I am kind to myself and stop any self-hating chatter in my mind.
 
I cry.
 
And now I realize that I am grateful for this experience because it has shown me that all that self-hate I used to carry around with myself is healing. Also the fact that I eat a PlantBased lifestyle (vegan) makes an enormous difference to my health and wellbeing. 

I want to help you to feel and look the best you can too! So if you'd like to have a chat about it email me here.

Dawn xo

p.s. I would love to hear if you've suffered from anything like this and what self-love and diet methods helped you. Please comment below!
1 Comment
Kathy link
15/9/2016 12:39:19

This is a good share. Thank you

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  • HOME
    • About Dawn
    • Contact
  • Coaching
    • 🜃 - RECALIBRATION / 6 sessions
    • 🜃 - THE LEGACY
  • THE HEART-FULL ACADEMY Resources
    • Meditations + Workbooks
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