Grief is like the darkness enveloping you and smothering you till you can’t breathe anymore. It takes any joy, spark, light or love out of your being and replaces it with a vast void of emptiness. The kind of void that holds onto your soul and doesn’t let go until its consumed every last spark.
On the day she died I thought to myself that I had two choices. I could let grief take over me or I could make her life mean something and celebrate the joy she brought us for those 24 hours.
So from that moment on I have dedicated myself to bringing in as much light, love and joy to every aspect of my life. It has been the greatest 6 years of my time on this earth. I have laughed and cried till I had nothing left inside of me.
I have worked on loving every part of myself and at times I have given everything.
Dedicating myself to bringing in light into my life has helped me to realise just how much darkness there is all around us all the time. It is a sobering realisation. My old life was created around separation, materialism, competition and individualism. I was deeply sad even before all of this happened.
But I know that if we want the world to change in any way, as Ghandi famously said, we need to live and be the change we want to see in the world. I believe those are words to live by.
I want you to know that change is possible. Happiness is possible – even in the face of extreme darkness and emptiness. When it all feels lost and pointless, the light is still there. It’s always there. All you need to do is connect with it – one step at a time.
I spent a lot of time working out the things that brought me joy, rediscovering what I like and who I truly am. I have spent time sitting in solitude and reflecting on my thoughts and working on the thoughts that I no longer wanted to define me. I breathed.
It’s definitely not been an easy journey but I’ve stuck to my word and I have created a life which is filled with love, light and joy.
Any parent I’m sure will agree with me in acknowledging that our children are our greatest teachers and that’s certainly true for both of mine. I am so thankful that Charlotte came to me for those precious 24 hours.
Over the next few years there is going to be a lot of increasing instability happening in the world around us, things might even start to collapse. At times it’s going to be quite scary but I want everyone to know that even in the darkest moments there is always a choice and at any moment you have the option to choose it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, just take it one step at a time.
So today I’m wondering if you’ll join me in marking the Winter Solstice, and Charlotte’s birthday, and spend a moment to light a candle or do something to mark the light returning to the world.
Much love xx
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